Compulsory Heterosexuality: The Invisible Script That Shapes Who We Think We Should Love

What if the reason you dated that boy, crushed on that man, or imagined marrying him wasn’t because you wanted to, but because you thought you had to?

This is the experience of many queer women and non-binary people who navigate the world under the pressure of compulsory heterosexuality—a term that explains how society teaches us to desire in ways that serve the status quo, not our authentic selves.

In this article, we’ll explore what compulsory heterosexuality really is, how it affects mental health, how media and culture enforce it, and how platforms like Reframing You support people breaking free from these invisible scripts.

What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?

Coined by poet and theorist Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, the term refers to the societal assumption and enforcement of heterosexuality as the default or natural orientation.

From childhood, girls are taught—often subtly—that their value is tied to male approval, that desire should be directed toward men, and that straightness is the only legitimate way to love.

Compulsory heterosexuality is not about who you are attracted to deep down. It is about the conditioning that makes it hard to recognize, trust, and act on your authentic desires.

Mental Health and Compulsory Heterosexuality

Struggling under the weight of compulsory heterosexuality can have serious mental health effects. Research, including studies published in Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, shows that living with internalized heteronormativity can contribute to:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Chronic self-doubt

• Difficulty forming satisfying relationships

• Low self-esteem

At Reframing You, we work with individuals who share that they dated men out of obligation, felt numb during straight relationships, or dismissed their same-gender attractions as fantasies or phases. These patterns often lead to emotional exhaustion and identity confusion.

Importantly, the mental health challenges do not come from being queer or questioning. They come from the stress of suppressing or doubting who you are.

The Role of Media and Culture

Mainstream media, advertising, and entertainment often reinforce compulsory heterosexuality. Heteronormative love stories dominate movies, books, and television. Girls are taught from an early age that being desirable to men is a sign of worth, while same-gender attraction is erased, minimized, or fetishized.

This constant exposure reinforces the idea that heterosexuality is natural and expected. It also fuels industries—from fashion to pharmaceuticals—that profit when we feel inadequate or out of place.

Coming Out After Compulsory Heterosexuality

Coming out after years of living under compulsory heterosexuality is often complicated. Many people fear being seen as confused, attention-seeking, or inauthentic. Some worry they are “too old” to embrace a new label.

But the truth is, coming out at any stage is valid. There is no timeline for self-discovery. Whether you realize at 16, 26, or 60 that your attraction to men was shaped by societal expectations more than personal desire, your identity is real and deserving of respect.

At Reframing You, we encourage people to explore these journeys with compassion, supported by queer-affirming mental health professionals, community spaces, and tools for nervous system regulation.

How to Begin Breaking Free From Compulsory Heterosexuality

1. Ask yourself reflective questions Am I drawn to him, or am I drawn to his attention? What would I want if no one else was watching? When have I felt the most myself in love or attraction?

2. Surround yourself with queer-affirming spaces Being around others who live outside heteronormative scripts helps normalize your journey.

3. Work with mental health professionals who understand queer identity and minority stress Reframing You offers support that centers these experiences without judgment.

4. Give yourself permission to change your mind Identity is not fixed, and discovering new truths about yourself is a sign of growth, not confusion.

5. Care for your nervous system Living with constant self-doubt or performance anxiety takes a toll. Practices like breathwork, mindfulness, and gentle movement help you ground in your body.

The Takeaway

Compulsory heterosexuality teaches us to desire in ways that fit societal expectations. Healing from it means unlearning those expectations so we can desire freely.

You are not late. You are not broken. And you are not alone.

At Reframing You, we are dedicated to helping people navigate these journeys with dignity, support, and the mental health care they deserve.