“But What Did They Mean?”: Why Obsessing Over Emotionally Unavailable People Is Wasting Your Precious Brainpower (And Probably a Sign You’re Scared of Real Intimacy)

You know that thing where you stare at a text bubble and think, “If they wanted to, they would... but maybe they’re just scared?”

Or how you replay a 3-minute conversation 18 times in your head because they said, “I’m not ready for anything serious,” and you know what they meant was “I want you to fix me.”

Yeah, that’s not love. That’s emotional gymnastics mixed with a fear of actually being loved in return. Let’s talk about it.

The Obsession Isn’t About Them ….. It’s About You Avoiding You

Emotionally unavailable people have a vibe. They breadcrumb, disappear, trauma-dump, and use phrases like “I’m just figuring things out right now” while still expecting you to wait in the wings like an unpaid emotional intern.

And you? You’re busy psychoanalyzing them like you’re their therapist, astrologer, and spiritual midwife rolled into one. Not because you’re stupid, but because somewhere deep down, obsessing over someone who cannot love you back feels safer than actually being with someone who can.

Why?

Because real intimacy requires you to be seen. Nakedly. Emotionally. Consistently. That  closeness is terrifying when all you’ve known is chasing love that runs.

Science Says You’re Not Crazy, Just Patterned

Let’s get nerdy for a second.

According to attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth, the whole gang), if you grew up with love that felt conditional, distant, or unpredictable, your nervous system probably got wired to confuse anxiety with affection.

So when someone is emotionally inconsistent, your brain thinks:

Aha! This feels familiar. Let’s win this person’s approval and finally earn love!

That’s not romance. That’s re-enactment.

And here’s the kicker: the more unavailable someone is, the more intensely your brain tries to solve the puzzle. It’s a trauma loop, not a soulmate search.

You Think You’re “Empathic” …. You’re Actually in a Hypervigilant Freeze Response

Obsessing doesn’t always look like drama. Sometimes it’s quiet. You stay in bed scrolling through their Instagram story views. You stalk their playlist updates. You convince yourself they’re “just afraid of love” and you’re special enough to help them believe in it again.

But what you’re really doing is entering a fawn-freeze loop — the part of your nervous system that learned as a child to monitor, predict, and over-function in hopes of being safe.

You're not crazy. You're dysregulated. You’re trying to control the narrative because if they change, maybe you won't feel so rejected. Spoiler: They won’t. And you’ll still be tired.

You’re Writing a Thesis on a Person Who’s Already Dropped Out of the Course

The amount of energy we spend decoding emotionally unavailable people could power the entire Western grid.

Let’s be clear:

• If you’re constantly wondering what they feel, they don’t.

• If you’re always initiating the conversation, they’re not thinking of you.

• If you’re defending their behavior more than they’re showing up, you’re parenting, not partnering.

You don’t need another sign from the universe. You need to stop journaling about someone who wouldn’t even proofread your pain if it was printed in bold.

The Hard Truth: Sometimes You Choose the Unavailable Because You Are Too

And here’s the part that stings: you’re not drawn to them because they’re mysterious — you’re drawn to them because they make sure the connection stays almost, never enough.

That allows you to:

• Stay in fantasy, not vulnerability.

• Chase safety, not sit in stillness.

• Avoid true intimacy while pretending you're seeking it.

It’s easier to be in love with potential than to stand naked in front of someone who actually sees your flaws and says, “I’m not going anywhere.” That kind of safety can feel boring if your nervous system is only used to chaos.

Healing Means You Stop Performing for Love and Start Receiving It

The solution isn’t to shame yourself. It’s to notice.

Every time you feel that urge to decode their last message or write a paragraph about their avoidant behavior in your Notes app, ask:

• What am I avoiding in myself right now?

• What kind of love do I actually believe I deserve?

• What would I do with my energy if I wasn’t trying to earn someone’s attention?

Real intimacy doesn’t need decoding. It’s consistent. It’s calm. It’s sometimes even a little boring. And if that scares you, it’s not a sign to run — it’s a sign to heal.

TL;DR: If You Have to Analyze, It's Not Aligned

Love doesn’t need a think-piece. It shows up. It speaks clearly. It chooses you back.

And if you’re still obsessed with the one who won’t love you, it might be time to stop asking, “Why won’t they?” and start asking, “Why am I still trying to prove I’m worth it?”

You're not meant to be a love detective. You're meant to be loved.

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