Just Because A Narcissist Can’t Hold Onto You Emotionally Doesn’t Mean It Wasn’t Real for Them

There’s a difficult truth that sits at the intersection of emotional trauma, personality structure, and unmet attachment needs: 

Sometimes, someone with narcissistic traits genuinely felt something for you , and still couldn’t hold onto it. 

Not because they were faking it. 

Not because they were trying to manipulate you from the very first moment. 

But because their system lacks the object constancy required to hold onto emotional connection when they’re dysregulated.

This doesn’t excuse abuse. But it can explain certain behaviors that feel disorienting, especially if you’ve been left wondering, “Was any of it ever real?”

What Is Object Constancy , And Why Does It Matter?

In psychological terms, object constancy refers to the ability to maintain an internal emotional connection to someone , even when they’re not physically present, or even when you’re upset with them.

It’s a skill rooted in early childhood development. If you had a caregiver who was emotionally attuned and predictable, your nervous system learned:

“Even when they’re gone or when I’m hurt, I still feel connected and safe. Their love isn’t conditional on the moment.”

For people with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality structure, this ability is often underdeveloped. 

They struggle to hold two emotional truths at once:

• “I love you” and “I’m angry at you.”

• “You hurt me” and “I still value you.”

• “We’re in conflict” and “I don’t want to lose you.”

Instead, it’s often black-and-white. 

You’re either idealized or devalued. 

Admired or discarded. 

Loved or attacked. 

There’s rarely space for complexity , and that’s what makes intimacy with them feel so unstable.

The Love Was Real , In That Moment

People with narcissistic tendencies aren’t necessarily lying when they express love or tenderness. In the moment, what they feel is often deeply intense and genuine.

But when they’re triggered , by perceived rejection, by loss of control, by vulnerability , that connection can evaporate. 

It doesn’t mean it was fake. 

It means their emotional system doesn’t have the internal holding capacity to stay tethered to that feeling under stress.

That’s why:

• The same person who held your face and said “I’ve never felt this way before” can, two weeks later, ghost you or lash out with cruelty that feels utterly incompatible with who you thought they were.

This disconnect does not mean the initial feelings were performative. It means they were emotionally real and temporarily accessible , not something they could regulate or return to when dysregulated.

But Understanding This Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stay

Let’s be clear:

• You can understand someone’s trauma without excusing the trauma they caused you.

• You can hold compassion for their emotional limitations without tolerating behavior that harms you.

• You can know their inconsistency wasn’t calculated , and still choose never to experience it again.

What often confuses survivors of these dynamics is the honesty of the connection in the good moments. It felt sincere. It was sincere. And yet… they left. Or hurt you. Or forgot everything they said when they felt threatened.

This is what makes narcissistic relationships so destabilizing , they don’t start with a lie. They start with intensity. And when the person becomes overwhelmed by their own shame, fear, or loss of control, that emotional bridge collapses, and they retreat into protection rather than connection.

They’re Not Always Trying to Hurt You , But That Doesn’t Mean They Can Hold You

Most narcissistic behavior is protective, not predatory. Yes, there are malignant narcissists. Yes, abuse exists and should be named. But many people with narcissistic traits aren’t trying to cause pain , they’re trying to defend themselves from the pain they’ve never been taught how to feel.

They may:

• Detach when closeness becomes too overwhelming

• Push you away when they feel shame

• Dismiss your needs because they never learned how to hold their own

Again: this doesn’t make it okay. But it does contextualize the contradiction so many people carry after a relationship with someone emotionally inconsistent:

“I know they weren’t good for me. But I also know they weren’t all bad. I saw the softness. I felt the realness. Was I just imagining it?”

You weren’t.

Realness Doesn’t Equal Readiness

Someone can feel real affection for you and still not be able to sustain intimacy. Someone can want to love you well and still lack the capacity to regulate enough to do so. Someone can mean what they say in the moment , and still emotionally vanish the next.

That doesn’t mean you imagined it. It means you experienced a relationship with someone who has a limited ability to emotionally hold another person beyond the moment.

Your job is not to stretch yourself thinner just to stay within their emotional bandwidth. Your job is to remember: you deserve someone whose care is consistent, not conditional on how safe they feel in that moment.

Want more trauma-informed insights on emotional regulation, attachment, and self-protection? Follow Reframing You , where psychology meets self-respect, and compassion never requires self-abandonment.

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